It's Christmas-time: there's a need to be afraid

Tonight I was listening to the chart show and I heard the ghosts of Christmas past dug up, dusted off and downloaded. Tonight's Top 40 includes such horrors as Shakin' Stevens' 'Merry Christmas Everyone', Wizzard's 'I wish it could be Christmas every day' and Slade's 'Merry Christmas Everybody'. It even has everyone's secret favourite 'Last Christmas' by Wham! As a Duranie it breaks my heart that bloody Wham is everyone's favourite. It should be Duran Duran, clearly. But, whilst they didn't fail us often (apart from the shit 90s albums) they let us down big time in the 80s. They didn't record a Christmas record.

Ok, I am aware that Simon sung his heart out on 'Do they know it's Christmas'. In fact, and I bet you didn't know this Duran fans, Simon le Bon actually recorded the whole of the song in order to show the rest of the artists that day how to sing it. Which is ironic when you consider that high note failure at Live Aid in Summer 1985. But, the fact remains, Duran Duran didn't do a Christmas record of their own. Now I am aware that Nick's lip would have curled in a very louche way at the idea of a tacky Chrimbo record but surely Andy could have come up with a tune?

It's Christmastime, there's a need to be afraid

At Christmastime Duran are rarely played.

It's heartbreaking.

Just think of the joy we could have watching the Duran Christmas video: elf women languidly feeling up presents whilst Simon gets his head dunked in a big manly pool of brandy cream. John could wear a santa hat. Nick could wear a red jacket and white trousers. Andy could be drinking with a few models. We'd glimpse Roger for about 2 seconds in the entire video. Which would be filmed somewhere amazing like Kilimajaro or Skegness. Every year we'd know it was Christmas because the Duran song would be playing at us whilst we searched for a toiletry box set for our Auntie.

Go on Duran - it's never too late - we need a Christmas song. We need a Duran Christmas.

Our great national heritage

For those unaware of the fact the National Trust is a repository for some of the most important historical icons that this fair nation isle can offer. The National Trust Act 1907 recognised that the National Trust was so very, very, very important in preserving the identity and magnificent cultural achievements of the British people that it delegated the right to the NT to create bylaws for its properties. Heck, it's that big a deal. http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/main/w-vh/w-visits/w-findaplace.htm

And now, the National Trust has joined forces with the National Portrait gallery to collate and preserve details of those whose Olympian and Herculean efforts have made this proud nation, erm, proud. In its hallowed halls lie the visages of the great and the good from aeons past. And a few Tories. http://www.npg.org.uk/live/index.asp

So, what have these two great institutions done? Well, they have joined together to create a database of the portraits of those without whom Britain would have no more culture than a small pot of yoghurt. They are all there: Kings, Queens, Prime Ministers, artists, scientists and explorers. It is a roll call of quite epic proportions.

But, the greatest of the great are also immortalised. Thankfully.

Look what I found ....

And did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green? Well, Simon might have, but Nick wouldn't have wanted to get his shoes dirty.

Strictly Come Duran Duran

I would surmise that as I am 37 and my fame is limited to:

(1) having been on the front cover of the Ladybird Book of Guides in 1983 (yes, one of these people is me. And no, I'm not telling you which).

(2) writing this blog (readership: me) and I Miss 1985 (readership: 500 page views per month, but it is anonymous - durrr)

(3) having been interviewed for 2 seconds on Look North in 2008

(4) having given a dreadful radio interview in about 1998 about railway fencing for local radio, and

(5) being in the Brickhill and Bedford Gazette in 1976 for my virtuoso turn as the narrator of 'Norsey, the Elf from the North'

it is unlikely that I will ever be asked to participate in Strictly Come Dancing.

However should I ever appear this is my first wishlist of the dances that I would wish to do:

1. 'Save a Prayer' - a rhumba. For this I would wear white and khaki reminiscent Simon's turn as tortured (new) romantic with no shoes, as seen below.

2. 'Rio' - a tango. Clearly for this I would have to dress up as the green snake lady who writhes around on the deck of the yacht. http://www.duranasty.com/magic_pills/mp19.jpg

I am assuming such apparel would be a big hit with Bruno Tonioni.

3. 'Notorious' - a salsa. This requires a black bra top and cycling shorts. I don't know what Len Goodman will say, particularly about a slightly plump late 30s woman in such attire, but for the sake of Strictly Duran Duran it MUST BE DONE.

And yes, I still fancy them. So my choice of dancing partner would be Simon le Bon because he's meaty enough to lift me up. Nick Rhodes would like the outfits but I never dance with blokes wearing more eyeliner than me.

I bet I look good on a dancefloor.

Dear fellow traveller on the information highway I have sad tidings to convey. Last night I went to a club and the DJ had Duran Duran on CD. But he didn't play it. Even though I tried all my best persuasive techniques. I used hyperbole. I used emotive language. I used fact and opinion. Heck, I probably even threw in a list of three. But he didn't play Duran Duran. Stone Roses, yes. Oasis, numerous times. Pigeon Detectives, heck yeah. The Smiths, yes sirree. But no Duran Duran.

This was clearly an epic failure because the dancefloor was all but empty and everyone knows what happens when the clickety-click camera bit of 'Girls on Film' starts. Yes, I scream. But after that the dancefloor fills. And some of the dancers are even people who I didn't propel there.

You see, the poor man was deluded into believing Duran Duran aren't indie. However, without Duran indie wouldn't even exist. Actually, if you're me you think that the entirety of western culture devolves from Nick Rhodes' fringe. But I recognise that I'm crackers.

So why should he have played Duran Duran? Because it would have followed these lyrics from one song he played serendipitously:

Your name isn't Rio, but I don't care for sand
And lighting the fuse might result in a bang, b-b-bang, go!

I bet that you look good on the dancefloor
I don't know if you're looking for romance or
I don't know what you're looking for
I said, I bet that you look good on the dancefloor
Dancing to electro-pop like a robot from 1984
From 1984!

Good god. What a missed opportunity.

Last Chance on the Stairway

Somehow I have allowed nearly three weeks to pass since I was in the presence of Simon le Bon's arse and have not blogged about it. My excuse is that I was too overwhelmed by the wonder of the entire experience to write about it; I needed a substantial gap in proximity and time to reflect on the event in order to achieve any sort of critical autonomy. In fact I've just been majorly lazy.

On arrival we went to our seats to find that we had been moved from the rear of the stadium to the very front where I had a side-view of Simon's rear throughout. Hurrah! The gentleman in question is in one of his rather inflated periods but I feel that just gives you more to grab on to. If you're Yasmin. Curses.

Unfortunately Duran Duran are a serious musical outfit who release new albums. This meant the audience had to sit politely through all the new 'Red Carpet Massacre' stuff before standing up and howling dementedly at 'Wild Boys'. Hurrah, we thought, the 80s hits juggernaut is back on the highway of outstanding wonderfulness. Or maybe we didn't.

The highlight of the evening for me was the electro section where they did 'Last Chance on the Stairway'. My co-Duranie and I howled through that like the mistral over the southern Languedoc. Now there's a simile you don't expect to find in an almost completely unread Duran blog.

The demographic of the audience was quite specialist. Frankly, the only people younger than 33 were the children of hardcore Duranies. There were so many late 30s women in the auditorium that the smell of oestrogen and failing pelvic floors was palpable.

So, I have worshipped at the temple of Duran again. Man, it was good.

Not strictly about Duran Duran. At all.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.

2) Italicise those you intend to read.

3) Underline the books you LOVE, add an strikeout the books you read but didn't like.

4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read only 6 or less and make them read.


1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6. The Bible. (Actually I read it every night but haven't read all of it)

7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14. Complete Works of Shakespeare (Not all of them!)

15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20. Middlemarch - George Eliot

21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (dull, dull, dull - don't know how to score through it!)

23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (I have read this. I was 11 and showing off. Majorly)

25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens.

33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34. Emma - Jane Austen

35. Persuasion - Jane Austen

36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41. Animal Farm - George Orwell

42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50. Atonement - Ian McEwan

51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52. Dune - Frank Herbert

53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding

69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie

70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72. Dracula - Bram Stoker

73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75. Ulysses - James Joyce

76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78. Germinal - Emile Zola

79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80. Possession - AS Byatt

81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87. Charlotte's Web - EB White

88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom (really? I class this as a guilty pleasure!)

89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94. Watership Down - Richard Adams

95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas.

98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo



61/100. I should be an English teacher. Oh, I am.

Just like Duran Duran in 1986..

I have decided to set up a side project.

Rather than drafting in Wayne Curcurillo and starting Arcadia or the Power Station I am starting a Duranie blog.

This will involve all of the following themes:
(1) rabid obsessing about Simon le Bon's outstanding ability to wear trousers
(2) screeching
(3) Quoting Duran lyrics in a reverent manner
(4) Counting down to the next time I will be in the same Arena (see what I did there?) as Simon's trousers (c/ref point 1)
(5) Quasi-intellectual musings on the quality and quantity of figurative language in Duran lyrics. But not from the shit 90s albums.

There may well be some wholly unecessary Andy-baiting involved.

There is almost certainly going to be a great deal of linking to Duran stuff on the web. If I can learn how to do that. Whether anyone apart from me (and one particular friend in Aberford) will enjoy this remains to be seen.

But then nobody liked Arcadia or the Power Station. Apart from me.